The single biggest problem with communication
is the illusion it has taken place.
~ George Bernard Shaw
We’ve all been there: In what should be a simple conversation, our listener completely misunderstands what we said. Even worse, it escalates into an argument.
When the listener doesn’t get it, we repeat our position, thinking “if we can force them to see things from our point of view, they’ll agree we’re right,” said best-selling author Charles Duhigg in his latest book, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection.
Yet that rarely ever works.
“Trying to force someone to listen, or see our side, only inflames the battle,” Duhigg said.
Instead, we should seek to understand the type of conversation at hand.
Step 1: Determining the kind of conversation you’re in
Different conversations serve different purposes. Understanding the type of conversation you’re having can make all the difference in how you respond and connect with others.
Conversations fall into three categories: practical, emotional, and identity-related.
1. Practical discussions prioritize facts and aim to make decisions.
2. Emotional talks focus on feelings.
3. Social identities home in on groups with which the speaker identifies (public schooler/homeschooler, athlete/gamer, working mom/stay-at-home mom, etc.).
If you and your listener approach the conversation from different angles, you most likely won’t connect.
For example, if your child wants to vent his frustrations (emotional conversation), but you want to solve the problem (practical conversation), it’s a recipe for major headbutting.
Being a Supercommunicator means realizing your youngster wants you to listen, empathize, and understand his feelings. He wants validation.
It may also mean biting your tongue and refraining from giving advice.
Anne’s mother was a Supercommunicator. Anne, now married with children of her own, said as a teen she felt comfortable talking to her mom about anything because her mom “just got it.” Her mom knew when to empathize and when to offer counsel.
The focus of your conversation should be on learning from the other person. What’s on her mind? How does she view the situation? What does she need right now? How can you best contribute and thereby connect with her?
Step 2: Matching your listener
A common barrier to clear communication is the desire to be in control. This is human nature, whether it’s control over our time, our health, our happiness, our future … or the current conversation.
In disagreements, we often unwittingly seek to control the other person. That’s when tensions can escalate.
One way to avoid this involves the matching principle.
“If someone seems emotional, allow yourself to [share your feelings] as well. If someone is intent on decision making, match that focus. If they are preoccupied by social implications, reflect their fixation back to them,” said Duhigg.
Supercommunicators like Anne’s mother do this well. A recent study shows such people “were constantly adjusting how they communicated, in order to match their companions…[and they] subtly reflected shifts in other people’s moods and attitudes,” Duhigg said.
Step 3: Looping to understand
Looping means asking questions, summarizing what you heard in your own words, and asking if you got it right.
This is a great way to prove you are listening. It’s more valuable than nodding your head or making eye contact while the other person is talking, Duhigg noted, because the speaker can be too focused on what they’re saying to catch your signals.
The best time to apply looping is after the other person has stopped speaking. According to Duhigg, “Studies show it [looping] is the single most effective technique for proving to someone that we want to hear them.”
As the saying goes, people don’t care about how much you know until they know how much you care. And Supercommunicators are adept at showing that they care.
Dr. Behfar Ehdaie, who treats prostate cancer, discovered this firsthand. He realized he was giving his patients cut-and-dry medical facts, advising most not to undergo surgery. But what they really wanted was to talk about their fears and how their diagnosis would affect their families.
The disconnect caused patients to distrust Ehdaie and ignore his medical advice. The surgeon saw a turn-around when he changed his approach.
Instead of delving into research results, he asked open-ended questions like “What does the diagnosis mean to you?” and “What did your wife say when you told her about the cancer?”
It opened the door for his patients to talk about what mattered most to them. Ehdaie used matching and looping to keep the focus on the patients.
This built trust and made his clients feel heard. And Ehdaie’s advice got through. After six months, “the number of his patients opting for [unnecessary] surgery fell by 30 percent,” Duhigg said.
Step 4: Steer clear of identity threat
It’s important to realize we all have multiple social identities. While your child is a student, she’s also thoughtful, kind, funny, a sibling, a friend, a swimmer, a volunteer, etc.
Realizing this is empowering for your youngster.
On the flip side, verbally lumping your child into a disparaging group can threaten her self-identity.
· “You’re a girl, and you know most girls aren’t good at math”— assigns your daughter membership in a disliked group (those who do poor in math).
· “You didn’t go to law school, so you don’t understand how the law actually works” denies her membership in a likeable group (people who grasp how the law works).
Both insinuate that she’s not smart and can halt any connection you’re seeking.
“When someone says you don’t belong, or they put you in a group you don’t appreciate, it can cause extreme psychological discomfort,” said researcher Michael Slepian.
“Studies have shown that when people confront identity threats, their blood pressure can rise, their bodies can become flooded with stress hormones, they begin looking for ways to escape or fight back.”
Parents can help by avoiding such generalizations, which “make us one-dimensional,” Duhigg explained.
Sometimes a student can get single-focused on one identity—he’s a student, perhaps one who struggles in English, for example.
So writing an essay can seem like the end of the world. Yet English is only one aspect of his life.
Dana Gresky, a researcher at Texas Christian University, tells her son, “Remember, that test may be hard today, but think about who else you are. We can make the bad voices in our head less powerful by remembering all the other voices in there, too.”
Additionally, parents shouldn’t “give in to the temptation to minimize [their child’s] struggles, or try to solve their problems, simply because witnessing their discomfort is so difficult,” Duhigg said.
Supercommunicator Skills
Supercommunicators are gifted at connecting with others. Here are some traits in their toolbox that make it seem so easy:
· control their own emotions
· direct attention to others
· laugh at others’ jokes
· ask questions
· reiterate others’ insights
· ask for clarification
· disclose their own lack of knowledge
· encourage others
· determine the best time to engage in a tough discussion
· stick with the conflict at hand, rather than throwing other contentious topics into the mix.
Becoming a Supercommunicator is possible. It takes thoughtfulness, self-awareness, and other awareness. The bonds you build with others make your effort well worth the time.
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